


Stages

by Ziallshippingislife



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fanfiction, M/M, One Direction Fanfiction, one direction - Freeform, zayn malik/niall horan - Freeform, ziall, ziall fanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 20:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3542930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ziallshippingislife/pseuds/Ziallshippingislife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He could feel Niall sighing deeply underneath him, letting his hands travel up and wrap around his neck, and before Zayn could even comprehend what was happening, he was being yanked down forcefully. He gasped, as his ear collided with Niall’s soft warm lips, brushing over the shell.</p><p>“Just fuck me.” He whispered desperately. His hands grabbing at the back of Zayn’s hair, making the boy above him groan, and his heart beat quickened. Niall was instantly initiating stage three.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stages

Niall knew it was unhealthy. He understood that everything about it was damaging him. He was ignorant about everything pertaining to it. Only there wasn’t anyway to break him from the habit. So even when he received that text message from him, he understood the repercussions when he opened the door and stepped inside of Zayn’s apartment. He knew what he had on his mind.

Zayn was a sickening drug he wanted more and more of every single day, and there was no changing it. He wasn’t naive though. He knew there were no expressed feelings behind the two of them anymore, and he had accepted it. 

His heart tried to transform that stinging love and turn it to numbness, knowing loving him was pointless. And even if his heart lurched for him, he suppressed it. Sure, every time he saw his captivating eyes, his inviting body and his tasteful lips his breath escaped him. And maybe whenever Zayn’s eyes gazed upon him he felt lost, but who could blame him. He was perfect, stunning, a completely gorgeous human being, no one could deny it. 

He was practically his way back when. Niall was Zayn’s at one point, or so he had said, but Zayn and his sudden change had seemed to alter that. Every ounce of Niall’s feelings for the boy had to vanish, because he promised himself nothing would be left, he disposed of them, just like Zayn threw him away. Keeping them around would only hurt him further. He had reached the point of complete despair, and he never wanted to return. That’s why hatred was the only emotion he could muster up. The pain and sorrow deep inside him had turned evil, feeding on the hate for Zayn.

It wasn’t long before he found himself tumbling up the stairs, trying not to spill over and fall on his face. He didn’t mean to drink so much, and he didn’t want to smoke up with his friends before he left the party he was at, but they wouldn’t shut up so he did it anyway, and besides, it was easier this way. Seeing his stupid face was always easier with alcohol in his system, blurring his mind. 

And before he knew it he was once again standing in front of his gleaming eyes, glimmering with the only light shining through the window, the moon illuminating through the clear glass. The door shut behind him, and he could feel his shaky breaths leaving his body, uneven and nervous. Even still he couldn’t seem to remain stable around him. What’s worse was that Zayn knew it too. 

He could tell every step he made towards him caused his heart to race faster, every blink of his beautiful eyes made him freeze in his spot, every touch to his body made him shiver slightly, and every light kiss placed on his delicate pale skin made him blush this gorgeous pink. It’s the way he reacted that pleased Zayn. He loved the way Niall’s body wanted him, even though his mind was fighting with everything it had. 

“I didn’t think you would come.” Zayn’s dark voice rang through the room, and Niall bit his lip harshly feeling those deadly fingertips grazing his shoulder, pushing his shirt to the side and Zayn smiled when the boy’s eyes fluttered shut. 

“You’re a shit liar.” The blonde whispered, causing the dark skinned boy to chuckle deeply, his chest rumbling, and Niall could have swore he felt it through his fingers which were dancing across his skin so gingerly. 

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.” He chortled, letting his hand drop to his side, taking a small step back to admire the pretty blonde in front of him. His tight black shirt clinging to him perfectly, with that signature snapback resting on his head, causing Zayn to smile fondly. He noticed how Niall’s eyes were fixated on his movements, the diamonds following his every move. “Amazing how I know you so well, huh?”

“Shut up.” He snapped coldly, causing a slow smirk to arise upon Zayn’s lips. He stepped forward again towards Niall and raised his hand pushing the blonde slightly, causing him to tip and almost fall to the ground. The younger boy looked bewildered, trying to steady himself and stand straight. Zayn began to laugh again, and the blonde rolled his, but he was unable to stop the slight blush from dusting his cheeks. 

“You’re drunk.” He shook his head in disappointment. “You’re doing this a lot lately, and you look pretty smashed, I can see it in your eyes too.” He pointed out, gazing right into his pretty bright blues rimmed red knowing he also had done more than just drink his night away. 

“Why do you give a shit, you’re just as gone as I am.” Niall growled, trying not to feel weak under the tanned boy’s eyes, but he knew he was failing. Yet he knew he wasn’t wrong, especially when he heard that heart stopping laugh once again.

“Because, unlike you, I’m not a fuckin’ bitch when I’m out of it.” Zayn accused, causing the blood inside of the blonde to boil. His body tensed, and he clenched his hands, tearing his eyes away for the first time, looking at the dark floor.

“And you're a dick even when you're not.” He snarled, making the other roll his eyes immediately.

“'M not a dick.” He counteracted, causing the blonde to chuckle with disbelief. 

“Kinda fuckin are mate.” 

This made the fire inside of Zayn spark. It was always the same thing between them every time. The three stages of every encounter, the fight being the first. Niall felt he was obligated to get Zayn pissed off, no matter what the cause, and he always succeeded. 

His anger being so pent up inside of him for so long, he shattered with it, and seeing Zayn was the breaking point every time. It was his pain eating away at him, and Zayn knew the boy wasn’t stable, yet he irked him anyway, trying to annoy him to the point of cracking. And he loved to retaliate, until he gave in. 

“You're just too fuckin sensitive as always.” He spat back, knowing his words were practically a slap in the blondes face. He could see it in his features as his eyes squinted with more rage, his lips curled with fury. Maybe using that word was a little much, but the dark haired boy didn’t care at all at the moment.

Niall hated being called sensitive, too fragile, weak, because he wasn’t, but he knew Zayn loved to throw it at him with every opportunity he had. He was always the smaller one, the person who cried too easily, the baby in every group and Zayn loved to over power him, liked to make him know he was beneath him, even now as he gripped Niall’s arm with more force than necessary, his fingers tight, pressed into his bicep, his own digits tingling. 

The familiar smirk on Zayn’s face was no where to be found, his eyes clouded as he towered over the shorter boy, but unlike most times, Niall wasn’t backing down, gritting his teeth, glaring back as he ripped his arm from Zayn’s grasp, shocking the other significantly. 

“I'm sick of you being a douche all the time.” Niall was to the point where he was almost yelling, causing Zayn to roll his eyes, stepping forward in turn making him take a timid step back. 

“Why do you even bother coming to me when all you do is yell at me?” He questioned then, slowly sauntering froward until he knew Niall’s back hit the closed door behind him, his slight gasp being the give away.

He stared at him, wondering eyes burning into the younger boy’s skin. He never asked him this before, and he felt as if there was an answer on the tip of his tongue, but there wasn’t. He couldn’t even explain to himself why he did this, why he returned, every single time no matter what Zayn said or what he promised to himself. 

It was pure want. It was lust, Zayn was everything he wished for that he couldn’t have. And just having Zayn looking at him preciously, touching him so carefully, made him mindless. 

“Like being around you is easy, you fucker.” He retorted, biting his lip trying not to let his cheeks turn that blinding red color that you couldn’t miss from a mile away, but he couldn’t control it. He could feel a deep chuckle from the boy standing so dangerously close to him, their chests practically touching. 

“You don’t make any sense, I can't stand you sometimes.” He spoke more hurtful words, stabbing towards Niall’s heart, and he could feel it aching. It was those words that made him wish he never showed. It had him wishing that he would stop these encounters, but it was like quitting a drug, nearly impossible, and he was struggling to help himself stay sober. 

He pushed him back, trying to create some room to breathe, but his hand was caught and the taller boy intertwined their fingers pinning his hand to the door behind him. A shiver found a way through Niall’s body again as he felt those well known fingers gripping his own tightly. 

“Yeah I know you hate me because you say it all the goddamn time.” He whispered, his voice lost somewhere inside of him. The intimidating body language Zayn held over him scaring him slightly. He was forceful with what he wanted mostly, and Niall always let him be, he never struggled or did he mind. 

When things weren’t always so hostile between them, Niall would enjoy the way Zayn grasped his petite hips. He loved the harsh marks he left upon his neck. He lusted for the finger shaped bruises resting on his light skin. And he begged Zayn to give him more, knowing he relished in his moans. It also made him feel wanted, thinking Zayn wanted him too. That’s why he felt so perfect for him, but now he could feel the way Zayn held back that little bit.

A gentle finger was sliding it’s way up Niall’s chin, tipping his head up, as Zayn traced the veins over his neck up and down, again and again, until he felt Niall swallow nervously, his skin heating up, and his breathing becoming even more irregular.

“I never say I hate you. That's a lie.” He affirmed, and Niall’s breath hitched as Zayn’s aggressive touch captured his chin between his fingers, bringing his eyes even with his. He held this firm glare, breaking Niall inside, making his nerves run wild because stage two was beginning. The want.

“You definitely show it.” His composure was weak. His voice dripping with secret desire.

This was the part where Niall’s heart gave out, and no matter how hard he tried to grip onto the pitiful organ, it always seemed to slip past his fingers to shatter. He felt the feelings beating him, trying to scratch through him, pass through every barrier he put up as Zayn was now delicately caressing his face. 

Those dark eyes turning soft, his grip loosening, knowing this was where he caged Niall, imprisoned him, captured his heart and tore him open to read and see every single emotion he held deep for him. He sought them out every time, and Zayn always got what he wanted. 

“I don't hate you Niall.” He claimed, and maybe he was telling the truth, but honesty was not something Zayn liked very much. 

That’s what angered the blonde boy. Not knowing. Uncertainty. Misleading words. It was all a game with him, and he played with Niall’s feelings until he wore them out. Niall wanted to believe he might still feel the way he says he does, but it feels like a lie, a ploy, a fake out, and for what, he’s not sure. He’s not sure what kind of sick pleasure he get’s out of leading Niall on. 

And Niall doesn’t want to be a player in his scheme, but he felt trapped inside, unable to escape. And the game always continued. 

“Cut the shit I'm not an idiot.” He spoke, his voice bitter, bringing a smirk to Zayn’s gentle lips. 

“I never said you were.”

Zayn’s hand tightened then, pressing the blonde completely to the door behind him. His gasp audible, his eyes clenched shut as Zayn’s other hand quickly slid under his shirt. His hand now conducting the heat from his core. His knee spreading Niall’s slightly shaking legs, his finger’s sliding over his skin, on his taut stomach, and the younger knew he could feel his sharp intakes of air. 

He didn’t think it was possible for Zayn to get any closer, his body practically molded to his own, space becoming nonexistent. Yet, he still felt he was pressing closer with every second that passed by. He knew the other could feel his heart hammering and rattling inside of his chest, and he blushed red.

He gave a hushed yelp as he felt Zayn’s lips grazing over the skin on his neck. The warmth of his gentle breaths sending shivers right towards his weakening spine. He was becoming light headed, feeling him so close, those fingers against his smooth skin, the familiarity of his lips against him. 

It had him remembering. All those times where Zayn would love him. When he would touch him gingerly and carefully, but possessively with tight grasps and rough fingers. There was deep meaning behind the kisses on his pale skin. The beautiful marks he always left, a reminder for the blonde the next day. 

The protective words he spoke, causing Niall to give himself up. The dominance Zayn held over him, had him shuddering with want. He loved every second of it. He wanted more of him, begged for more of him, moaned for more of him, and he knew Zayn was more than happy to give it to him. He had Niall willing and eager, forever providing him with whatever he needed.

But now, things weren’t like they used to be, and he felt something completely different every time he let Zayn touch him like this. He felt that sickening shame wash over every single part of his body where Zayn had pressed against him. And it gave him a reason to fight back as he felt those sinful fingers dipping lower into his jeans, and those precious lips, lingering over his own. But he knew the spirit he tried to hold onto wouldn’t last. 

“Stop.” He whispered with that unsurety behind it, but his hand was grasping tight to Zayn’s wrist halting his movements. Only Zayn didn’t stop. He knew he was going to try and resist. Zayn just thought he needed a little reassurance, that he wanted this just as much as he did, and he wasn’t wrong. 

“Just, let me.” He pleaded, that sweet voice ringing in Niall’s ears, breaking his blockade even more. He could feel the blonde shaking, and he knew it was from want, and Niall hated that he understood that. He would refuse to meet his gaze, his cheeks would turn that beautiful scarlet shade, and he couldn’t keep away from him. 

“No, Zayn-” His voice cracked as he tried to speak, stopping mid sentence, hearing Zayn’s deep devilish chuckle as Niall’s muscles gave in, dropping the dark skinned boy’s hand, allowing it to touch him intimately. He groaned, high pitched almost, throwing his head back against the door, his neck exposed and Zayn took the opportunity to leave a dark mark upon his flawless porcelain skin. 

His mind was whirling, every single thought being Zayn. Feeling him. Breathing him. Smelling him. Seeing him. Everything was Zayn. And now as the taller latched his lips to Niall’s he whimpered, tasting him. His tongue instantly sliding against his own, and the blonde was trying to keep up, trying not to collapse as Zayn kissed the air right out of his lungs. 

Zayn held tight to him as he felt Niall growing weak against him, pressing his lips harder to his shaking one’s. He could feel his own heart wrenching for him, feeling those emotions that overtook his mind and body, but he still felt that recoil that made him swim in that suffocating guilt. As he pulled back though, responding to his unhealthy mind, he caught sight of the boy in front of him. 

He knew Niall never listened to him when he complimented him on his beauty, but the boy was absolutely gorgeous, and Zayn couldn’t stay away from him even if he tried. He was too pretty, too tempting, and Zayn wanted him, yet he knew what he was doing was selfish, but he couldn’t help it.

These moments here, knowing Niall was still breaking inside, still annoyed, still angry, still shattered had Zayn wishing he could just make him his. At these moments, he couldn’t even begin to think about Niall giving himself up to someone else. 

He hated even believing that someone else could see him the way Zayn does when he has him desperate and willing. He curses anyone who gets to see his Niall on his beautiful display, ready to give them anything they wanted. It wasn’t there’s to see, and it wasn’t there’s to take, and Zayn wanted the blonde to know that, as he gripped his hips harder, feeling the blonde burying his face into Zayn’s neck. He could feel him giving in already, and it worried him a little, but he wasn’t going to complain. 

Zayn felt him giving out, and usually he wouldn’t actually do this until he had him stripped with his body exposed. But he was drunk, and he knew that his vision was blurry along with his thoughts. He could taste the alcohol traces on his tongue, and felt him stumbling as Niall wrapped his arms around his neck. 

He knew they would tumble to the ground if he didn’t pull him back and up. He was leaning against Zayn so much now, and when he finally did take a few steps back, he caught Niall by his waist seeing the boy being unable to support himself. 

“Zayn.” He whimpered, his arms still tangled around his neck, refusing to let go. And Zayn’s heart lurched for him, seeing his pleading eyes and pink parted lips wanting to dive in to steal another kiss. 

And now, as he had the blonde in his arms, he pulled him to the bed, gently laying him down. His eyes still averted to the side, his head tipped along with the them, knowing he felt that embarrassment deep inside of him. But Zayn only smiled as he climbed on top of him, kissing his warm cheek, seeing his blush deepen. Their one hand still intertwined, as the other traced gentle patterns against his exposed stomach.

“Can I tell you something, that I shouldn't tell you-” Zayn tried to speak, but Niall’s eyes snapped open wide, cutting him off.

“Why would you even say that?” He questioned, bewildered with confused eyes, but Zayn only gave a careful smile. 

Words like that were never said, and now as Zayn was staring down at him with these emotions he didn’t understand, he was feeling that nervousness in the pit of his stomach. 

It was almost like an unspoken rule between them, knowing confessions and explanations only made things worse. But tonight they were both out of it, even though one more than the other, but it didn’t matter. Niall didn’t want this tonight. He didn’t want to speak. He’d prefer not to express unimportant feelings. 

“Because Niall,” He sighed, running his gentle fingers through Niall’s short, soft, blonde hair, sticking up in many different directions, looking cute nonetheless. “I don't want you to hate me anymore and I know this isn't going to help but I want you to listen.”

“Then why tell me in the first place, I doubt whatever you're going to tell me is going to help our situation.” He mumbled gently, flicking his eyes away, wanting this to end as quickly as it was brought up. But obviously that wasn’t going to happen, since Zayn was still carding his fingers through his hair, causing him to lean into his loving touch. 

Zayn bit his lip now, watching the smaller boy beneath him, squirming a little under his fingers. He held that beautiful blush, and his eyes held that uncomfortable look. He knew this was wrong of him and he should just shut his mouth and press his lips to the pretty boy laid out in front of him, but he couldn’t hold himself back. The words were bursting out of him, and he could feel the tension he was bringing between them. But tonight, his heart was above his mind. 

So now he began to press open mouth kisses along Niall’s sharp jaw, savoring him, licking away at his sweet skin, nipping him gently to make him whine a little, just so he could hear that precious voice of his. Niall gripped onto him, making Zayn smile against his neck then, knowing his words might fall on deaf ears, but he couldn’t stop himself. 

“I just miss you, sometimes like I see you and I just really need you- want you and I...” He trailed off, the brush of his lips leaving goose bumps all over Niall’s body, making him shiver. And he could see the way Niall was clenching his eyes shut, pain etched into his features because Zayn knew he was hitting him deep in his heart. 

Missing him. Wanting him. Loving him. Everything Niall begged for, everything he wished for, but one day Zayn began to neglect him. He refused to give him all of those things he deserved, even when he knew it was wrong to do. But Niall didn’t need him, doesn’t need someone like him. He wasn’t fit to take care of him, or protect him, or love him, because Zayn was messed up inside, his uncertainty clouding his mind, hurting Niall as well, trying to figure himself out. 

“We can’t be together.” Niall whispered, that broken sound forcing Zayn to clench his teeth, trying hard not to bite his tongue off because he knew he was the cause of that shattered voice. He was the culprit of his sorrow, that anguish, but Zayn knew he couldn’t say he was his. He just couldn’t...

“Yeah, and we know it's for the better, but-”

“You can't just have me whenever you want anymore either.” He broke in, and Zayn grew quiet quickly, staring down at the blonde, who looked like he could burst into tears at any minute, and now he was wishing he never opened his damn mouth. He sighed, and squeezed Niall’s hand tight, pulling his head back for only a moment to see his face, before he leaned down, gently placing a loving kiss upon his forehead. 

These words were shattering him, bringing back those feelings he disposed of. They were prying him open, finding those unwanted emotions. Zayn’s careful yet vice grips on his body were bringing back those silly memories of their happier times, where Niall thought he found someone to be content with. 

But he could never forget the way he dumped Niall to the curb, and left him there to beg and plead for months. He broke him so instantly, and never even tried to put him back together. Now he just brushed his remaining pieces back and forth, playing with the shards. 

“I-I know and this sucks-” Zayn tried to speak, but Niall grimaced and stopped him once again.

“You shouldn't give a shit less about me, I shouldn’t about you but I still- I still..” He couldn’t finish his sentence, knowing saying I still love you would prove he was weak, that he was unable to move on, and maybe it was the truth, but he didn’t have to admit it. 

He didn’t want to bring himself that low. And with Zayn’s wide eyes staring down at him, waiting for those words, he closed his own, shutting him out, not wanting him to see inside of his every thought and every emotion. 

Only Zayn wasn’t going to let him hide, as he continued to touch Niall’s body so delicately, like he would break under his fingers if he pressed too hard at this moment, completely different than the harsh grip he was used to.

“You're wrong about that.” His words deliberate and slow, making sure Niall caught every syllable, “I want you, but I can’t have you, I would hurt you even more than I am now.”

“You could have gave us a chance.” He whispered, opening his eyes to connect with the one’s above him, pulling his hand from Zayn’s now, slowly allowing himself to finally touch the boy leaning over him. “And maybe this wouldn’t have to hurt so much.”

He let the blonde stroke his fingers against his cheek, feeling him slightly shaking beneath him. He felt the memory being drawn out of him, of all the many times he had Niall in this position, as he absentmindedly trailed his fingers over his jaw line and his cheeks. 

Niall had always said he was too gorgeous for his own good, causing that shy smile to tug at his lips. But he shook his head, gripping Niall’s wrist, halting him, causing the blonde to blink back utterly confused. 

“I didn't want to get too attached.” He confessed, his gaze darting to the side,  
“And I saw you already were.”

“Why was it such a bad thing?” He questioned, clearly distressed. 

“I wasn't good for you. And I never will be.” He told him firmly, his eyes hard making Niall flinch as his grip tightened on his wrist. He didn’t need Niall to argue like usual, he didn’t want him fighting back with his useless words. He just needed to understand that Zayn and his future held weak promises and broken hearts.

“It's a shit excuse.” He sighed out anyway, knowing that if Zayn truly did love him like he claimed he did, he would try and change. He would better himself, but Niall understood he wasn’t important enough to him, or he would have. 

He would tell him why things couldn’t be perfect between them, why Zayn couldn’t love Niall like he did him. He would inform him of how he felt and what was going on inside of his mind, and notify him on why they couldn’t be together. But he was kept in the dark, still not knowing who exactly Zayn Malik was. And he loathed him for that.

“I can’t be with you.” Zayn said, leaning down closer to him, their noses brushing against each others, and Niall’s heart was threatening to stop beating again. “Even though I want you like crazy.” He confessed, growling the words deep, which made Niall grasp onto him and pull him even closer. 

The feeling of Niall’s fingers digging into his skin made his mind run wild. He wanted to feel the boy beneath him squirm and writhe under his touch, he needed to hear him moan his name, he craved to make him his just for tonight. Zayn instantly crashed his lips against his, feeling him gasp, but press back immediately. 

He knew everything about this was wrong, but he wasn’t going to be able to stop himself, even though he felt the boy pushing against him whimpering quiet words, but he only kissed him harder and deeper silencing him, prying his mouth open so their tongues could swirl together. 

He wanted to touch his lips to every single part of his beautiful body. He wanted to let his fingers roam and travel to anywhere they wanted. He wanted to drown himself with those feelings he was forced to keep restrained. But now with Niall pushing him back by his chest had him groaning in agony, he was deprived of everything Niall and he was denying him the only thing he wanted right at this moment. 

“Stop, wait Zayn.” He gasped out, his voice wavering as Zayn dove back in to peck his lips, his jaw, his open neck, tasting his skin, breathing him in. 

Niall felt himself falling to Zayn’s will already, but for some reason his mind was screaming at him. That disturbing shame was pouring over inside him already, his lips tingling and his body burning with it. But every time he looked into those capturing eyes, his heart continued to give out more and more. 

He knew he shouldn’t let Zayn do this and he shouldn’t let himself touch Zayn, but his heart guilted him every time. It was another chance to let him feel loved by the only person he wished for. It was that fake reality he let himself linger in for too long, and now it was addicting. 

“Do you want to talk then?” Zayn took a hold of Niall’s hand again, their fingers slotting together as he continued to place feather light kisses all over him. He wanted him desperately right now, but the blonde was struggling against him, uncertainty written in his expression. 

“There's nothing to say.”

“Yeah, there is.” He disagreed, but Niall’s face turned bitter looking.

“Don’t piss me off more than I already am.” He warned, making Zayn chuckle but roll his eyes. Now he knew he was just being stubborn, because Niall didn’t want to talk about serious feelings, or the truth of how things turned out between them. 

He never wanted to hear Zayn’s confessions of how he still loved him, and he sort of understood, but he did want Niall to know. So, sometimes he wished he would just say what was on his mind. But Niall wasn’t the type of person to do that, he hurt in silence, and Zayn knew he had much to say, but Niall knew things weren’t going to change, so the blonde thought expressing what he felt was pointless. It drove Zayn crazy, and he tried to pull it out of him, but he was complicated.

“I want to know what you feel, I want you to get everything out that you need out.” He sounded like he was pleading with him, but Niall just shook his head slowly, a frown making an appearance on his pink lips.

“It doesn't matter. I don't need you anymore.” He muttered, meaning what he said. He honestly didn’t need Zayn anymore. He shouldn’t see him, or talk to him because there was no point. Keeping contact was unnecessary, yet here he was, fooling himself with him all over again. There wasn’t a reason to share those unimportant feelings. 

He winced though when he felt Zayn press himself closer then, his grip going tight on his hand, his fingers traveling down and tugging at his hip quickly. 

“You're in love with me.” He stated quietly yet confidently putting his lips against Niall’s ear, knowing those words would spark a feeling inside of Niall. It made the boy’s bright eyes widen, as his heart skipped beats, and his lips parted slightly.

“Shut up you arrogant asshole!” He snapped back instantly, flailing his arms, clearly pissed, as he was now grappling with Zayn above him, trying to force him to loosen his grip, but it seemed to only make the dark haired boy hold him down harder. 

“I stated a fact Niall. 'M not bein arrogant.” He shot back, clawing at Niall’s anger inside him, as Zayn poked at the truth, because how dare he. Zayn knew how he felt, but he broke him anyway.

“You told me you loved me!” Niall yelled, gritting his teeth. “You led me on, and now you play this game with me! So I don't want to talk, there’s no reason to!”

“You keep coming back to play though.” He pointed out, tapping Niall’s hips with his finger tips, shrugging his shoulders. 

Niall sighed then, his chest deflating and his anger filled glance turned into a doleful look. 

“Amazingly.” He mumbled, because he couldn’t deny it, because his appearance here tonight proved his words. 

He still baffled himself every single time he allowed Zayn to look into his eyes, cursed himself when he let Zayn touch his skin, hated himself when he woke up the next day and Zayn would be gone, because still nothing had changed. Zayn was still using him, and running away, and nothing hurt more than that. 

But as Zayn touched him so intimately he was setting him up with this hope, this aspiration to gain his love back. His mind twisted completely turning him back into the naive fool he once was, seeing his beautiful smile, and believing his perfect caring words. 

So, really Niall had no one to blame but himself, permitting himself to live in this false world that didn’t actually exist, where Zayn would call him his, say how amazing he was, tell him how gorgeous he looked. He closed his mind to the negative truth, and reveled in his fantasy land filled with Zayn giving him everything he desired and wished for. And he knew Zayn always took advantage of that.

“You're too tempting, and you want me too.” Zayn breathed out, clutching the blonde closer, disliking the regretful look resting on his face. He didn’t want him to feel shame, nor regret, because they both wanted this. They wanted each other, only Zayn had to walk away, when Niall wanted him to desperately stay. 

Their lips met again, as Zayn brushed his own over Niall’s frown, hoping to kiss that grief out of him, but he only continued to push him slightly back and away. 

“I hate you.” Niall blurted out, his eye’s shut, his cheeks reddening with a slight blush, wishing he meant those hurtful words. But he didn’t at all, and he couldn’t open his eyes to see Zayn shaking his head back and forth, because it was embarrassing that he still fell weak under his gentle touch and loving stares. 

Zayn only gave a small chuckle, now taking a hold of Niall’s chin between his fingers. 

“We know that isn't the truth.”

“You make my life hell with all this bullshit.”

“And you don't think you do the same to me?” Zayn questioned, almost sounding annoyed, running his thumb over the blonde’s jaw gingerly, as he stared down at him, the boy’s eyes flipping open and the shining crystals darkened with slight rage. 

“You deserve it.” He hissed with seriousness in his tone. 

Zayn sighed carefully then, his movements stilling as he was unable to argue, seeing those eyes glimmering with accusation. Niall was right though, he should be suffering, and he was, because being without Niall killed him. 

He hated not being able to have him, call him his love, hold his hand gently, kiss his perfect lips, touch his beautiful body, show him how much he adores him. But he knew Niall felt just as worse not receiving any of these things Zayn should be providing him with.

“Maybe I do.” He replied, with pain laced in his voice, drinking in the hurt dripping from Niall. “I hate that I hurt you.”

“Then why do you do it?” He questioned, his anger prominent, his irritation showing, because he shouldn’t’ be asking. He shouldn’t care, but Zayn was speaking nonsense, and he was following along.

“Because I’m scared.” He whispered biting his lip gently, seeing Niall’s broken eyes.

“Scared of what?” He again questioned him, more pain present now, and Zayn grabbed tightly at his wrist, feeling his pulse quickening.

“Of falling in love with you, because I adore you too much, and I can’t make you mine but I wish I could.” He gritted his teeth as he spoke, trying not to sound too desperate, but at this point he wasn’t really caring anymore. He was already breaking every unspoken rule, and he wasn’t thinking clearly. 

And now as he slowly peeked into the eyes of the boy under him, he knew he made a mistake of saying those words. His heart cracked, as tears were resting in his pretty eyes, his breath was lost seeing him officially shattered, his rosy red cheeks lighting up his face, and a single tear slipped down his delicate skin. 

Zayn cursed himself, biting the inside of his lip hard, hating that guilty unbearable feeling settling deep inside his chest. Niall had never cried during one of their encounters before, and now at this moment he wasn’t sure what to do, since the blonde looked like he was about to scream but also attack him. 

“Why would you be scared of something that makes you feel fucking happy?” He asked, clearly angered. His fists clenching into Zayn’s shirt, unaware of his movements, but he was smoldering, the things Zayn said chewing apart his insides. “I just don't understand you Zayn, all this makes me realize how toxic you are.” His words were filled with venom which made Zayn wince. Niall was burning up in fury, at Zayn, but also at himself. 

Seeing him so frustrated just made him feel even worse, but he allowed him to be upset. He knew everything was his fault. He shouldn’t be so scared of everyone, he shouldn’t have been scared of the hurtful words people might say behind his back, or even to his face. He should just love Niall openly and not be confused, but he was. He wanted Niall desperately, but he wasn’t willing to show the world how he felt for him, and that alone, made Zayn unworthy of the blonde boy, so precious in his arms. 

But Niall wouldn’t know. He would never know, because he couldn’t tell him. There wasn’t a simple way to put it. He would accuse him of being embarrassed of him. He would scream how much he didn’t love him. He would cry because Zayn wanted to keep them a secret. And for a moment he wished he had the courage to change his insecurities, but he was weak. So he hid from his feelings, blocking them, depriving himself of the beautiful boy he loved so dearly in front of him. He abandoned him when he was so vulnerable, and Zayn could never forgive himself. 

“I'm an idiot,” He stated blatantly, as Niall’s fists were unclenching from his shirt, “I love you and I hate seeing you so broken, but I can't...” He trailed off, closing his eyes gently, because he hated himself. He was a coward, he was a jerk, and Niall deserved a great guy, and here he was, distracting him from finding someone who could provide him with everything he should be given. But he was selfish, and he didn’t want him to find someone else. He wanted him, but he couldn’t bring himself to make him his. 

He could feel Niall sighing deeply underneath him, letting his hands travel up and wrap around his neck, and before Zayn could even comprehend what was happening, he was being yanked down forcefully. He gasped, as his ear collided with Niall’s soft warm lips, brushing over the shell. 

“Just fuck me.” He whispered desperately. His hands grabbing at the back of Zayn’s hair, making the boy above him groan, and his heart beat quickened. Niall was instantly initiating stage three.

“Niall-”

“No, no more talking.” He objected, crashing his lips instantly onto Zayn’s, prying his lips open, as their tongues collided, as they tasted each other. Zayn was caught off guard, trying to keep up now as Niall was yanking at his shirt, trying to rip off the annoying article of clothing that was blocking everything he wanted to see. 

Niall winced as he felt Zayn halt him, grabbing at his wrists forcing him against the bed, pulling away from the deep kiss he had initiated. 

His eyes were glimmering with hidden emotions, and Niall bit his lip and looked away with disgusted eyes, not caring if he saw or not. He had no more words to say. He didn’t want to speak anymore, and he wished Zayn would just do as he asked him.

“I love you, so much Ni.” Zayn confessed, but Niall rolled his eyes.

“I hate you.” He said. It was a blank statement, no emotion laced in his voice.

“Stop.” Zayn whispered, pressing a kiss to the blonde’s forehead, seeing a blush forming on his cheeks, which could have been from the heat now present in the room, but he wasn’t so sure. 

“I can't stand you.” Niall tried to sound serious, but he knew he sounded depressed and desperate, allowing Zayn to kiss him again and again, the addicting touch of his lips never ceasing. 

“Just tonight you can.”

“I guess I have to, it's easier this way, to see your face, knowing we'll barely remember tomorrow.” He acknowledged, making Zayn chuckle against his lips, as he brushed his fingertips up and past Niall’s shirt to feel his chest, warm and radiating heat, knowing the fare skinned boy was blushing all over his body.

“I like you like this, drunk and emotional, it's better than when you're quiet and angry.”

“You made me like that.” Niall scoffed, reaching forward and snapping the button undone from Zayn’s jeans, causing the boy to smirk, and kiss him passionately over and over. 

“I love you.” Zayn breathed out between kisses, pressing their bodies together, making Niall moan as he gripped at his hips.

“Just get naked please.” He begged, trying to shimmy out of his own pants now, because he didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to talk. He just wanted to escape into the world of just Zayn. He wanted him to touch him again, because if he didn’t get his hands all over him soon he was going to go insane. 

“I'm sorry.” He apologized, but Niall continued to undress himself, and Zayn, since the boy seemed to be stalling with all these pointless words.

“This is the last night, take me or leave me.”

“I don't want to leave you again I-”

“You're drunk, you don't mean what you're saying.” Niall interrupted, knowing this speech was getting tiring. He always lied to him, saying how much he cared for him, crying about how much he loved him. But every single time after Zayn would touch him so dearly, after he would love him so carefully he would be gone the next morning. And that’s what hurt Niall the most. 

He had always dreamed and hoped that Zayn would stay, where he would wake up and Zayn would kiss him good morning, tell him he loved him, say that he wasn’t going to leave him anymore, but he knew it would never happen. Niall knew that Zayn would flee every chance he got. He would take Niall, so broken and confused, and shatter him even more. 

“I do mean it,” He tried to convince him, “I just find this less difficult when I'm intoxicated.” He was trying to so hard, and his heart was enclosing on itself. He was so unsure of everything that had happened, and Niall’s broken eyes were killing him inside, staring at him with pain and suffering. 

“Only tonight. Never again.” Niall whispered, leaning in and kissing Zayn now, refusing to let go. He gripped onto him tight, feeling Zayn return the same gesture as they both wrapped themselves in each other, falling into their hearts. 

~

Niall groaned as his eyes slowly pried themselves open. His vision was blurry, and his mind was spinning in every direction possible. This dull ache rested inside of his eyes, and his brain felt like it was pounding against his skull. He groaned and coughed gently, knowing that this morning was going to be shit.

He suddenly could remember everything from the night prior, as he felt himself waking up. He felt his backside in a little bit of pain, and his heart clenched, as memories flooded over him. He bit his lip and sighed through his nose, knowing that he had once again, done something he shouldn’t have done. 

He felt the tears pricking at his eyes, because he knew better. He should have just stayed home. He should have been able to walk away. But he was a fool, and he allowed Zayn to take advantage of him again. His heart was weak, he wasn’t brave enough, and this really proved how much he really wasn’t over the dark haired boy he loved so much. 

No matter how much he wanted to deny it, he couldn’t. He loved Zayn, and not having him hurt him so deeply, it was breaking him inside. He could feel himself letting the tears escape, sniffling and letting out small sobs. He wasn’t going to stop himself this time. Besides, he wouldn’t be able to stop even if he tried.

“Babe.” A dark voice rang through the room then, cutting Niall’s crying short as he gasped in a surprised gulp of air. His red rimmed eyes going wide as his mouth hung open. His head shot to the side, seeing Zayn, staring at him intently, his eyes wide open connecting with his own. 

Niall’s heart was racing then, because this couldn’t be happening. It was a dream, because this wasn’t a part of his reality. It was a sick joke his mind was playing on him because Zayn would never stay. He would always leave. He never would wake up with him next to him for all the time he had known him. Zayn never stayed...

“Z-Zayn what-”

“Why are you crying?” Zayn asked gently then, his fingertips swiping across the tears running a river down Niall’s pink cheeks. He could see the boy’s confusion, and he bit his lip, because he knew exactly why. 

“You-You’re- why are you-” Niall tried to speak but he was still recovering from his tears, and he could feel the overwhelming emotion encasing his heart because Zayn was here, caressing his cheek softly, so close, his eyes loving, and actions caring and he his mind was still whirling. 

Zayn shrugged his shoulders then, because he didn’t know why. It just felt right. Because being with Niall always felt right, yet he was terrified. He was always too afraid, but this time he wasn’t going to let himself get away, because Niall was everything to him. He wasn’t going to hide anymore.

“I told you, I didn’t want to leave you again.” He confessed, pulling Niall into his arms, still feeling the boy shaking from his tears just moments prior. The blonde boy was so confused, his fantasy and reality meshing together making his head spin, along with the slight hangover he was currently dealing with. 

“But- you said we couldn’t be-”

“But I need you to be- I need you in my life again.” Zayn blurted out, a blush coming to his cheeks, as he watched Niall blink up at him, his emotions unreadable. He could feel his heart pounding, wondering if the blonde could feel it too, since they were pressed against each other, bare chests touching. 

“If-” Niall swallowed thickly then before continuing, also taking in a shaky breath, “If you’re fucking with me Zayn Malik I swear-”

And before the blonde could even finish his sentence, Zayn was kissing his cherry red lips gently, with purpose and love being placed upon him. 

“I’m definitely not.” He promised, pulling back wincing at the defensive look on the other boy’s face. “I’m going to change for you, better myself because I need you, and I’ve realized it.”

“Zayn-”

“And I hope you consider taking me back because I’m sorry Niall, I am so fucking sorry. I-”

Zayn didn’t even get to finish his sentence before Niall had launched himself into his open arms, slamming his lips on the other boy’s, cutting off his words. Zayn’s eyes went wide, surprised profoundly, but smiled into the kiss nonetheless.

And maybe Niall was going crazy since his mind was overloading with unbelievable happiness, but he felt that possessive touch gripping at his hips and he didn’t want to question anything as Zayn kissed at his smiling lips repeatedly.

They toppled on top of each other, with Niall’s arms wrapping around Zayn’s neck, while Zayn’s hands grabbed at Niall’s petite hips feeling the boy pressing himself closer and closer like if he let him go he would slip through his fingers once again. But he sure wasn’t going to let the beautiful blonde go this time.


End file.
